Salon:

As a teen I watched Chris Rock brilliantly address America’s gun problem during his Bigger and Blacker stand up. “We don’t need gun control,” Rock pleaded to a packed house, “We need bullet control––if bullets were $5000, people would think before they shot some one! You gotta really piss someone off for them to dump $50,000 worth of bullets in to you!” And just like the crowd, my brother, some friends and I erupted in laughter.

Rock was definitely on point, $5000 bullets would be great but I’d take it a step further––I believe that being shot should be requirement for gun ownership in America. It’s very simple. You need to have gun, like taking selfies with pistols, can’t live with out it? Then take a bullet and you will be granted the right to purchase the firearm of your choice.

[ … ]

Bullets are extremely hot and they hurt. I saw them paralyze, cut through faces, pierce children and take life. I have friends, relatives and loved ones be gunned down. Guns break apart families and ruin lives. Other than giving a coward the heart to stand tall, what’s the positive part of gun ownership? Other than the people in rural areas who use them to hunt for food, I have only seen them destroy, both in the suburbs and in our inner cities.

[ … ]

Gun praisers are just like the people who were in favor of slavery back in the day–– the elite, lazy and ignorant who weren’t being beaten, raped or in the field doing the work, so they were perfectly okay with involuntary servitude, which is a problem and why I think gun owners need to feel more––they need a taste of the other side.

So if you love guns, if they make you feel safe, if you hold and cuddle with them at night, then you need to be shot. You need to feel a bullet rip through your flesh, and if you survive and enjoy the feeling­­––then the right to bear arms will be all yours.

Listen here, young’ un.  You’re just projecting the ugly, black-on-black violence onto others in a refusal to take responsibility for the social, theological and familial problems in the black community.  As we all know, criminal violence with guns in America today is primarily a black-on-black problem.  You know it, I know it, and everyone knows it.

And you don’t get to set the rules for when I can use weapons for self defense or what weapons I choose.  Rights are granted by God, not horrible writers who craft their dung in effete, metrosexual rages fit only for rap concerts.  You want to be a man?  You want to show how tough you are?

Good.  Go to the black community and tell them to stop taking handouts and having welfare babies by fathers who will never be there.  Tell them to stop blaming other people for their problems.  Tell them to shut the gangs down and go home to their families.  Tell them to shut down that hideous rap “music” with its lyrics about rape, violence and hedonism.  Tell them to return to God and put away the things of the world.

I doubt you will, because you are the real coward – a coward too scared to face down his own problems.  As for me, I’ll keep my guns.  You can try to take them any time you feel froggy.