Bear Takes Walk Through VA Neighborhood On Trash Night
BY Herschel Smith
4 years, 10 months ago
News from near the viper’s pit.
HAYMARKET, VA — The middle of the night is a perfect time for a black bear to go wandering through a neighborhood in a Washington suburb. Chances are slim the bear will come into contact with a human, making it easier for the bear to enjoy the sights and search for food without interruptions.
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If a bear is in your yard and it approaches you, make yourself look big and make loud noises. Remain at a safe distance and throw rocks to make the bear feel unwelcome.
Yes, chances are slim. And that’s exactly what I recommend you do, folks around the beltway. Scream and throw rocks to make it feel unwelcome, if you can find any rocks after Pedro has manicured your lawn.
Meanwhile, I suppose governor Ralph “Kill the babies give me all your guns” Northam is proceeding apace to ensure you are incapable of any defense against Mr. bear, so just don’t go out anywhere at night. Or let your pets out. Perhaps poochie the dog can take a crap on your carpet. Is that okay, mommy?
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On December 30, 2019 at 12:44 am, 41mag said:
Loved the advice on “If you surprise a bear”.
Speak softly? WTF? Have they ever then outside in the wilderness before?
On December 30, 2019 at 2:43 am, TheAlaskan said:
“If a bear is in your yard and it approaches you, make yourself look big and make loud noises.”
Added bonus…make sure your hair is dyed blue and all your tats are showing. Scream like Trump was just elected. If you’re a dude, make sure you’re wearing your tight girly pants and hide behind the blue-haired tat girl who thinks she has balls.
Bear will want nothing to do with you.
On December 30, 2019 at 9:06 am, James said:
Tis a good time to point out do not leave food/snacks in ones vehicle,bear if wishes could open em up more easily then the 2 footed predators/thieves that are the real problem in the DC region.
On December 30, 2019 at 11:33 am, Ned said:
Will some Virginia residents please start tossing candy bars into the bushes on the private residence of Ralph “Kill the babies give me all your guns” Northam?
Thank you.
On December 30, 2019 at 12:27 pm, Fred said:
During a very recent public plea to help the poor homeless bears in Virginia, the Virginia Bears Chief Olfactory Adviser, concluded; “The nougat in candy bars typically is not made with sugar, but rather uses sucrose and corn syrup, then aerated hydrolyzed soya protein or gelatin, instead of egg whites. Bonus Facts: The word “nougat” is French and comes from the Old Provencal word “nogat”, meaning “nut cake”. This, in turn, derives from the Latin “nux”, meaning “nut”. He added these details while speaking at the “2020 Candy Bars For Bears” campaign.
Candy Bars For Virginia Bears 2020 is a registered 501(c)3 Charitable Tax Deduction. Please give generously.
On December 30, 2019 at 10:42 pm, Diggs said:
Unless you try to protect your garbage from the bear, they won’t pay any attention to you, and will likely run away if they do see you.
Seriously, you are in far greater danger trying to enter I-95 S on Friday afternoon than you are from any bear, day or night.
On December 30, 2019 at 11:06 pm, Herschel Smith said:
@Diggs,
I encourage that attitude around the beltway.
On December 31, 2019 at 12:41 pm, Steverino said:
If you are a liberal living in the suburbs of greater Washington, DC, feel free to ignore all that right-wing hate-mongering about bears. They are just big friendly dogs. When you see one in your back yard, offer him a steak from your fridge, pat him on the head, and scratch him behind his ears. They love that. Oblige him when he rolls over on his back for a big ole bear belly rub.
If you are a conservative living in the Washington burbs, spread dog food around your liberal neighbors’ bushes. When the bears come, get inside, lock your doors, and watch the bears eat your neighbors when they try to pet them.
On January 2, 2020 at 9:20 am, BRVTVS said:
On a related note: https://www.foxnews.com/science/3-mountain-lions-in-arizona-killed-after-feeding-on-human-remains
On January 2, 2020 at 9:28 am, BRVTVS said:
And another: https://www.spokesman.com/stories/2018/jul/13/helicopter-rescues-biologist-treed-by-wolves-in-ok/
On January 2, 2020 at 11:20 am, Fred said:
“The employee was preparing for stream surveys in the area.”
Bending over, looking like prey getting a drink.
And, upwards of $150,000 spent instead simply shooting the wolves one at a time until the rest get the message. That money is only your property, the wolves are their property, and so are you. America is dead.